Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Happy Holidays

Happy Holidays from my family to yours

Happy 2nd Birthday

Johnny is such an old soul. He has this charm about him that you can't resist.  His presence is beautiful. He is witty and sweet. I am so proud to call him mine.

Heres some tiny bits that are special:

Gives actual kisses with lip smack!

Goes to bed without a fuss, usually. 

Sucks his three fingers when tired or sick and rubs his blanket with pointer and thumb. 

Sings to his favorite songs on the radio 
(White Christmas, Roar, Safe and Sound)

Loves to dance (but you gotta take
Your socks off to join him)

Likes to pick lint from his toes. 

Loves his shoes. 

Current favorite shows:
Bubble Guppies
Team umi zoomi
Paw patrol
Henry hugglemonster  
Polar express movie

Favorite nursery rhymes:
Row row row your boat
The itsy bitsy spider
Twinkle twinkle little star

Hums the ABCs and knows most of the letters. 

Can count to 12 (sometimes forgets 7 or 9)

Likes to jump!

Johnny's most coveted item is a blanket that was made for him by my husbands aunts mother in law. It's plush and bright orange. He loves it and almost needs it to fall asleep. I think it's spectacularly adorable and love calling him my little Linus. 
So now I write to you, my son.

Johnny, today you are two. I want you to know there will never be another you. You have given me strength in my weakest of times. You have made decisions easier by me wanting whats ultimately best for you. I would turn down anything and I mean ANYTHING if you needed me. I know for certain the world will be a better place because you are in it. I believe you are my saving light. I never knew what being a mother would bring me, but one thing I always knew is that I would always and will always be here for you; In your brightest of times and in your darkest of times. You are that little glimpse of sunshine that peaks through after a storm. And your smile is the gateway to Heaven. 

When you kiss me with those adorable lips and give me that cunning smirk afterwards, the world completely stops and there is only you and I. When I hug you before bed and you wrap your arms around me and quickly exclaim, "night mommy!" while blowing a kiss. I know there is a God. There's no way I could explain in enough special words to you how honored and special it feels to be your mother. And my only dream is that for the rest of your life that you are able to see the beauty that I see in you. And that you really can reach for the stars. You really can have everything you dream of.  I will kiss you and hug you and love you until I physically can not. And even then, I will eternally embrace you. Forever. 

Happy birthday my Christmas blessing;
 my Johnny Boy. 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013


Today I let out a lot of frustration during my workout. I feel like lately for the past couple of months I have been in auto pilot. Not allowing myself to feel anything. I just want my world to be happy. A world where no one has hate. No one hurts anyone. No one feels jealousy. A world where everyone feels like they are enough. Like they can go out and smile at a stranger. Live out loud. Allow themselves to be happy. So now my goal is to feel my frustrations. Feel my pain. Let go of my past aches. Let go of those who have deliberately hurt me; for whatever reason that was. 

Today I amped up the arc trainer so high and I pushed so hard that I could feel the tears. I could feel the pain. But I felt it releasing. If I could have I would have cried on the equipment. When I watch shows where people have those moments of release, those moments of epiphany, I always wondered what that felt like. I am a 27 year old wife and mother and I am just figuring out how to release my pain. To first feel it and taste it. I want to have life tools to teach my son that no matter what pain anyone causes you, it's not a Reflection of you. It's a reflection of them. Sadly it will happen. In my life, unfortunately it happened a lot. Being picked on by my school mates in grade school. Tormented, actually. To being picked on for being "fat" in high school. To being bludgeoned by my own family member(s).

Life is very mysterious. What I dreamed of when I was younger I no longer desire. Life takes you on crazy and amazing paths. I want to teach my son to be open to that. Open to the world. Whatever he wants to see or accomplish, he can. And no matter what he will always have our support. 

I've often felt like an outsider. Like my brain has a focus on creativity and helping others feel good. Helping others find the good in their loves despite whatever crazy hardship has been brought their way. 

I am focusing hard on letting go. And not only letting go but also letting myself live. I want to experience all those wonderful ideas I have in my brain. I want to succeed in whatever way that may be. I am going to allow myself to have fun and be happy. And for Pete's sake, let GO! 

Today I am another day closer to freedom. Today I am better. I am better than I was yesterday. 

Sunday, October 20, 2013

To My Husband On Our Anniversary

1 year of marriage. Where has the time gone? More importantly, 6 years together, where has THAT time gone? Well, I can tell you. It has been the most uplifting, life changing, happy, beautiful, brutal, amazing, crazy, challenging, and rewarding time of my entire existence. 

The man I met 6 years ago has evolved with me into the man I always knew he was; and in turn, he has ripped out the woman he always knew I was deep inside. Now, the man I married one year ago, that man, THIS man, is the man I dreamed of. The man I could never imagine in my life. The one who could push me to my limits. The one who no matter what I want to do, will ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS support me. Will always say, yes, do it! No matter how crazy my mind and thoughts may be, he supports me. This man loves me unconditionally. Imagine that. A love without conditions. A man who has never left my side. A man who has never once threatened to leave me. A man who despite whatever hard times I have personally gone through or whatever challenges we have faced in our relationship throughout 6 years, has down right loved me. 

This man, my husband, will do whatever it takes to make me happy. He is the hardest worker I've ever seen. He works hard for our family. Not only this, but he truly shows me a great time. He wants to experience life with me, his wife, to the fullest. From vacations to concerts, to fancy dinners, to visiting the latest dive food stand, we do it all. Together, baby. 

We have ripped each other's hearts out to find where there were tiny, unbroken pieces, forced each other to really feel that pain, and helped each other place those mended hearts back together and back where they belong; with each other. Neither of us are close to perfect, but we have slowly fixed ourselves and each other throughout the years. 

Not only have I been given this beautiful man, I have been given something that has overfilled my life with even more unconditional love, I have been given my son. My Johnny boy. This man could not have given me anything in life that is more precious than my son. And let me tell you something, there is a quote that goes something like this, "don't marry a man unless you'd be proud to have a son just like him." And if my son turns out to be half the man that my husband is, I would eternally be thankful. My husband is an amazing father. The love for Johnny, you see throughout his whole being. You can see his soul when that little boy smiles at him. 

To the man who shows me true honor and respect, a man who is selfless and loving, here's to many more years, a lot more fun, and infinite happiness! 

Happy 1st wedding anniversary, Sweets!!!!

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Just Some Thoughts

Lately I've been wondering. Thinking. Wondering. Thinking some more.

Why the hell do we have to place so much pressure on ourselves to be busy? To always be doing something? Even when you say, okay I'm taking the day off and doing nothing. Do you ever really do, nothing? Like, nothing nothing? Have you ever let yourself BE with your thoughts? You know, the good, the bad, and even the ugly? Have you let  your brain just chill and kind of let you know what's going on? How it's feeling?

I know for me personally that is a very rare and seldom occasion. Especially now in the day and age of such tremendous technology. I know that I am guilty of having my phone in hand, a LOT. However, throughout the day, I do try to keep that at a minimum when I'm with my son. Of course, I do take a lot of pictures. But, is that bad? Hell to the no it's not. First, it's my prerogative to do what I want and when I want. I love to take pictures of my child. I don't ever want to miss a moment or even forget what that moment feels like. If when I get old I can't remember, I will have these pictures with me. And not only that, but my son will be able to have these memories for his family, and to pass on. So, in that instance, technology is a beautiful thing.

However, there are times when I'm bored and Johnny is napping. So I keep myself busy with blogging, housework, or crafts. But there are times when I'm like, oh I'm bored, let's surf the internet. Facebook. Instagram. Poshmark. Twitter. You name it. I find myself mindlessly scrolling. Is that okay? Of course it is! I have interests and hobbies in life and I like to read articles on the internet, I like to keep up with my family who is far, friends who I haven't seen in a while. But it's also good and necessary to be alone with your thoughts, so that you don't lose yourself.

Social media is such a blessing in my eyes, although I don't think I ever would have made it out of High School with it. But social media can also be dangerous. It's human nature to compare and contrast ourselves with others. Jealousy is also a natural feeling, but it's important to not let that take over your life. Once in a while, unplug. Unwind. Live in the now. Often times I see people whom I look up to in the fitness and business industry, and find myself truly inspired to be a better version of me. But there are also days where looking at this can get me down, too. That's when I know it's time to unplug.

You see, there is a lot that goes on in real life behind pictures. Just because you got that "perfect" moment captured, does not mean that it is indeed all sunshine and fucking rainbows, ya feel me?

It's important to remember that you are enough. Your life is enough. Your family is enough. If you're feeling inspired, that's wonderful! You should be! But, just because someone made a pie that looks like a Turkey from Pinterest certainly doesn't mean that you're doing a bad job or not good enough. It just means that maybe, some day, you will make a pie that looks like, well, a pie.

Friday, September 20, 2013


Goodness it's been a hot minute since I've last blogged. Well, sooooo much is going on. Johnny is talking up a STORM and will be 21 months in 5 days, goodness. We are all dealing with some cold/allergy issues because of this bipolar ass weather. Last week I took Johnny to Mary Bartelme Park and I ended up slipping on an astro-turf hill and whacking my back and back of my head. So, since then I've been dealing with some serious pain and taking time off the gym. I am dying to go back but I can NOT mess around with my neck. I'm just thankful that Johnny (who fell with me) is okay and didn't get hurt. PHEW!

Johnny vocabulary has expanded tremendously and he's starting to talk in complete sentences. For instance, my niece Ava was crying yesterday and he was following her around asking her "why you cwying?" Seriously. Cutest. Ever. He says "where's" a lot. So, "where's daddy?" "where's mommy?" He also says "I want" A LOT! And he wants EVERYTHING! "I want titi!" "I want ahpus (applesauce)" "I want go outside" etc. He's completely obsessed with brushing his teeth, also. He runs around screaming "I want teeth! I want teeth!" Meaning, he wants to brush his teeth. He does this easily 4 times a day. He laughs back and forth with me when we're messing around, which is the cutest thing in the world. And now he says, "MOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYYYYY!" hahaa seriously, just like that. MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMYYYY!!! Ah, he's so wonderful. He is learning to get into the cabinets and take the food he wants to eat out. Which brings me to my next point, he's been eating so well lately. For a while he wouldn't eat anything we gave him and I knew that was just par for the course. I also know you can't force them so I would still make him all of his meals and even if he picked at it and only ate one bite, fine. As long as I knew I wasn't depriving him, that made me feel good. However, now he eats like an animal! He eats greek yogurt, cheese, chicken, fish sticks, bananas, pineapple, apples, pancakes, waffles, etc. OH and let's not forget that I gave him fried calamari the other day and he went bananas over it. That and jalapeno chips and doritos are basically his favorites. He's just like his daddy. I also make protein shakes a lot and he loves those too.

He has finally warmed up to his new baby cousin Gracie and even wanted to help feed her, he's so sweet with her. He walks up to just about everyone and says "HI!" with a great big smile on his face. He waves goodbye and blows kisses. He gets along with all of the kids in the gym daycare. However, he also has an attitude. He is very strong and independent, which can be good and bad. But at 20 months, discipline has been challenging. It's hard to figure out how much discipline a toddler can take and what to do, etc. But I believe a little discipline is necessary. He can not always do and get what he wants. So, now when I take something away he cries and throws a tantrum for like a minute but then he's over it. So I feel like I'm making some decent progress with that. He is still taking his nap during the day which helps him sleep much better at night.

Lastly, I am really enjoying life right now. We have a lot of fun vacations coming up and a lot of new experiences that are on the way and I look forward to sharing that on here.


Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The Eye of the Tiger

With my son getting older (sigh), my life as a stay at home mother and wife, my husbands new job (more responsibility and more hours), I've been left scrambling these past few months. I have always been kind of a fly by the seat of your pants type of gal, and life has been pretty much that way lately. But there has also been a lot of different things that have been going on. I find myself over thinking situations as simple as grabbing a cup of coffee from Starbucks. For instance, pulling into the lot to get the coffee and then pulling right back out. So strange. Growing up I went through a lot of self doubt. One day I would know exactly what I wanted to do, the next day I would want to be 500 different things, and then other days I just didn't want to do a damn thing. Often times I look at that as being unstable and I never ever want to go back to that place again. When I think about those times in my life, I find that I was involved in so much instability. Family life was completely unstable. People who should have been solid for me, weren't. Certainly I can't blame a person or people for being unstable. Now, anyways. Back then I would place blame and hold grudges and be filled with hate toward others. Being very critical and over analytical towards people and situations in my life created a huge wall. I was let down by many people over and over again, and truthfully I didn't know if I could handle another devastation. My only constant was my love and talent to play sports, specifically volleyball. Truthfully, I have been thinking a lot about the game. When I say volleyball, I mean volleyball at the competitive level. Volleyball was real. Volleyball was my saving grace in life. The endless hours of practicing against my childhood home by myself wasn't just practice. Looking back, those hours certainly made me an exceptional athlete, but those hours I dedicated to practice were my freedom. My happiness. My safe place. Those hours were the hours where I could really be a kid. And I loved every single second of that happiness. Being on a traveling team, being a teammate, being the captain, being away from all of life's problems, being methodical, being challenged, being physical, being praised; that's what I remember to be the happiest times of my life. Games upon games, matches upon matches, traveling state to state; that was my saving grace.

Looking back on my athletic career I could have been better. WAY better. Even though I was really damn good, I could have been one of the best. And I know that I could have. Why didn't I? Truthfully I believe it's because I didn't have the resources. My coaches were good but they weren't GREAT. They didn't know or stress the importance of nutrition. I didn't grow up with good nutrition. In fact, my nutrition growing up would disgust you. I never learned about proper nutrition. I didn't know the importance of protein in the diet. And no one around me really cared enough to help me REALLY succeed. You know, I succeeded pretty well on my OWN. Really, on my own. But, I didn't have any driving positive forces around me to take me to that next level. Also, weight training. Of course, we weight trained during camps and the regular season; but there was a lot to this equation that was missing. We weren't challenged to hit PR's, we weren't challenged to lift HEAVY, there was no real progression that was in place. We didn't have strength coaches. I didn't even know at the time how important and fundamental weight training was. So, looking back of course I can't blame myself for not making it to the Olympics, that never was really a dream of mine. I wanted to be great. And I was. But I could have been more.

Going back to instability. I am writing this particular blog to help me articulate my thoughts. I am often times flooded with information because my brain works in a weird way, but I just need to write it down. I need to be clear. I need to be clear and real so I can move on to these next challenges in my life. I want to be a better version of myself. Lately I have been structured. I LOVE that. I love that I have been able to stay structured with my exercise plan since May 1st, despite going through some issues with my son and not being able to take him to the day care, having to take him to the doctors, etc. But I need more clarity. I need to push it to the next level because I want to. I have been doing more and more research on how to maintain a healthy life balance while going after my physique goals. Working out for me, is a hobby. Working out is my volleyball. Working out is my ME time. There are days that I don't want to do it, but I go. I don 't make it a big fuss if I need to take a day off because I don't want to be that UNstable person I talked about earlier. I don't want to eat tilapia and asparagus all day long. While I love both, neither of them will ever have a place in my lifestyle twice a day, EVERYDAY. No. Not gonna happen. I love to eat healthy, make new recipes, and get creative! I don't know everything and I love that LIFE is my teacher. So, I'm going to continue my lifestyle and seek out the best methods and work on really challenging my mind and body.

Lastly. Something I have been somewhat torturing myself with lately is that I'm not doing things right. Or I'm spending too much time researching. Well, what I'm learning is that it's okay to do what I LOVE to do. I love to research, I love to be inspired, I love to read UPLIFTING things, I love to LEARN. So, I'm not going to feel bad for that anymore. I love fitness, and I'm not going to apologize. AND, just because I LOVE fitness, doesn't mean I have to look like a perfect cover model. It's a hobby of mine. Just like collecting cards. Is the person collecting the cards a pro baseball or football player? Maybe. Probably not. It's something they like to do. SO why should I ever be scorned for something I love to do. I shouldn't. And I wont. Too often we are very hard on ourselves for being happy, and that shouldn't be the case. I am taking a stand! You should too!

To tie everything in together, and I know I may be being a bit vague here, but there will be more to come; I do not want to be unstable. Unpredictable is good for me. I like to take Johnny to a new place or just get in the car and drive with my husband. Life is meant to be lived. And if I wanna LIVE by just chilling out on my couch or writing, or if I wanna go out dancing, I am going to do what makes me happy. I lived under other peoples messes, unhappiness, and instability for too many years of my life. Within the past 7-8 years, I have been undergoing the process of finding happiness and balance; while ridding those from my life who have held me down from accomplishing great things. And remember this, I will accomplish great things.

"I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar."-Katy Perry

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Take A Moment

*I originally wrote this in 2012 for Skinnymom.com*

Do you ever just stop, breathe, look around, and think? Think about how blessed and fortunate you are? I sure do! Have I always done so? Absolutely not. Is it because I didn’t think I was? Maybe. Or maybe it was just a lack of “time,” knowledge on how to be grateful, life experience to reflect upon? Or maybe I didn’t see how I was so fortunate. Now, however, I do this at least twice a week. I look at my brother and see him grown into a man, a man who protects our country in the USMC. He is a man who not too long ago was just a little boy who needed me and had little responsibility. He respected my opinion, asked me for help, came to me if he had a problem and no matter what, I always appreciate him and our time together. He is innately intelligent and I could not be more proud to call him my brother, my blood. As for my twin sisters who have grown eons just within the past couple of years, I am thankful. I’m thankful that they are my best friends, thankful that they needed me when they were young and still need me at times now. I’m thankful I get to spend time with them creating memories that will forever be cast in our minds. The time I spend with them is priceless.

Many times when we are young we don’t understand the “why’s” of our lives or the paths that it will lead us on. This in turn leads us to the question, “why me?” That question leads me to believe that when you are young and still too immature to understand life, you often find yourself asking that question a lot. Now, I understand. I understand why I am here. I understand why I grew up the way that I did. And I understand how I am able to deal with certain situations better than most people would. I finally know what it means and how it feels to “trim the fat,” to take out the garbage. Sometimes it takes getting rid of toxicity in your life to grow into your own and live the life you’ve always wanted; whatever that means to you, whether it’s losing excess body weight, severing ties in unhealthy relationships, quitting smoking, etc. Just do it and never look back.

Enter my reason, my son, Johnny. My son drives me to take in every breath of him, his scent, his smile, his movement, his face; everything makes me wild, yet allows me to feel completely at ease. Many times I just find myself sitting here thanking a higher power for blessing me with this gigantic amount of love I have in my heart.

When I sit on our couch, I look out the window, gaze around our condo, take a deep breath and think, “This is real.” I have more than I could have ever dreamed of. I have already crossed so many items off my dream list. I have an amazing family, my dedicated soon to be hubs, my son, my health, my mental health, my happiness, a HAPPY family life, a condo in the city, a college degree, physical ability and so much more. Not only do I have all of this, but I have the ability, wisdom, and perseverance to attain so much more. My heart is full, happy, and forever gracious.

So please, stop and smell the beautiful roses every once in a while.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Stay At Home Parents: Love What You Do!

*This post was done originally by me and posted on Skinnymom.com when I blogged for them in the past*

Today, before I was headed off to the gym and scrambling around my messy house looking for my son’s boot and his hat, I was listening to the TV and stopped. There was a woman on there, a mother of two, who was begging for attention from her husband. When I say begging, it wasn’t like she was holding her thoughts inside; she would cry and tell her husband that he needs to validate her every single day. She was a very pretty woman so I was bewildered. I kept on listening and this woman became a stay at home mom and she “loved it.” So what was the problem? She thought her husband looked down on her because she didn’t have a “real job.” From what was being said, her husband never once said those words to her and actually said that he was grateful that she stayed home with them to take care of the kids. This led me to assume that maybe she didn’t really believe what she was doing was fulfilling enough for her, or that people looked down on her and she was insecure about it. Naturally, during my workout I pondered this scenario for a bit.

and foremost, if you love yourself then you do not need validation from anyone. Validation is nice every once in a while, sure, just to know you are appreciated, but it should not be necessary. Being a stay at home mom, there are no tangible rewards. You do not get a raise or promotion for a job well done, you do not get paid, you do not get breaks, you do not get a “good job” from the boss, etc. There is none of that. But if you love what you do, then none of that matters; those are just added bonuses. If your children grow up to be respectful, polite, and hard working individuals, that is the reward. You learning about how to have patience and explain information in such a way to little but expanding minds so that they can learn is the reward. You being there for them learning to hold their head up, crawl, smile, hold their own bottle, walk, talk, etc; that is the reward. Having faith in yourself that you can have multiple tasks to accomplish which seem impossible and somehow you accomplish them because you have super powers is the reward. These are the things you must see, whether you’re a stay at home mom or dad, or even a working parent.

Raising a child(ren) is difficult. When I was younger I dreamed of being a rock star, professional sports star, and a psychiatrist. I’ve had plenty of jobs in the real world since I was 16, and being a mom is the hardest job I’ve ever had. Between raising your child, cleaning, working (if you work), cooking, packing lunches, making bottles, doing laundry, making time for yourself, making time for your significant other; it almost seems impossible. Even if you don’t accomplish EVERYTHING, if you are there for yourself first and foremost, then you can be there for your family; and that is the biggest accomplishment of all.

Monday, June 10, 2013


The past month has been huge for growth with Johnny. We started swimming at my college Alma Mater which is a really special thing to be able to share with him. The swimming itself really threw me for a loop because it's a class for 6-18 month olds (Johnny is now 17 mo) so I expected it to be sort of a free for all type of class. Well, no, it's not. Our instructor has them trying to learn actual strokes, dipping their heads in the water backwards, having them "swim" on their backs, blah blah blah. It's very structured and me and the other parents aren't really keen on the whole idea. All our kids want to do is blow bubbles in the water, splash, and kick around. Let's face it, they're not ready yet! We have fun nonetheless and we have made some friends there which is always fun, so that definitely makes our time very enjoyable. And don't get me wrong, Johnny actually does VERY well, considering it's his first time doing this, so I'm not completely unhappy with the class, but let's face it this time is supposed to be enjoyable and when my son is screaming because he hates laying on his back in the water, it's just, not.

Something else that is quite the change is we took away his "bippy" last Sunday and he hasn't used it since. He wasn't using it a lot during the day and would usually spit it out once he fell asleep so I figured he was indicating that he was "ready." He has done extremely well and hasn't asked for it once. He is able to go to sleep without a fuss and does so quickly. The only issue I'm having is he's been screaming (not out of anger) but just screaming with a smile on his face every so often. Actually, it's a lot. And it's driving me insane. I've had what seems like a constant headache this whole week and his screams are just really frustrating me. I try to tell him no, and try to ignore it, and relax, but DAMN it's annoying! SO, let's hope this weeks transition goes much more smoothly.

For the past few months he has been Mr. Jabberjaws and spewing out lots of new words and some "words" here and there. This has been really exciting to watch and makes me really proud. Proud of myself and of him of course! Some words are clear as day such as "No, no no!" And others are not so clear "dfuihernvpoiwrqijbskdvnbliu." But both are EQUALLY as awesome! I have compiled a list of "Johnny Talk" so that I can remember this and so that I can also share the funny stuff with you guys.

Non (Nonnie)
Pat Pat (Patty Cake)
While singing Alphabet (b,g,p,v,z)
Bwoon (Balloon)
Keeeeeey! (Mickey Mouse)
Gee (Doggie)
Wa wa (Water)
Kee (Cookie)
Choo choo (train)
Hi! (With the wave!)
Bye (With the wave!)
Hewwo (answering the phone)
Ha-ee (Holly)
Key (Monkey)
Bwoom (Broom)
Caca (icky)
Boo! (scaring me!)
Mwah (blowing kisses)

And of course, his FAVORITE sentence:
"What's that?"

He now gives hugs, kisses, blows kisses, reaches EVERYTHING up on the counters, in the drawers, in the cabinets, under the table, etc! He's into everything and as crazy as things may get around here, he's still the very BEST thing in the whole world.

ALL of these are so exciting and I'm so proud of the little boy he is becoming. He amazes me every single day and he is just so smart, I LOVE IT! This is by far my most favorite time with my sweet sweet boy. I can't wait to share more milestones so that I can keep these memories fresh forever.