Tuesday, November 12, 2013


Today I let out a lot of frustration during my workout. I feel like lately for the past couple of months I have been in auto pilot. Not allowing myself to feel anything. I just want my world to be happy. A world where no one has hate. No one hurts anyone. No one feels jealousy. A world where everyone feels like they are enough. Like they can go out and smile at a stranger. Live out loud. Allow themselves to be happy. So now my goal is to feel my frustrations. Feel my pain. Let go of my past aches. Let go of those who have deliberately hurt me; for whatever reason that was. 

Today I amped up the arc trainer so high and I pushed so hard that I could feel the tears. I could feel the pain. But I felt it releasing. If I could have I would have cried on the equipment. When I watch shows where people have those moments of release, those moments of epiphany, I always wondered what that felt like. I am a 27 year old wife and mother and I am just figuring out how to release my pain. To first feel it and taste it. I want to have life tools to teach my son that no matter what pain anyone causes you, it's not a Reflection of you. It's a reflection of them. Sadly it will happen. In my life, unfortunately it happened a lot. Being picked on by my school mates in grade school. Tormented, actually. To being picked on for being "fat" in high school. To being bludgeoned by my own family member(s).

Life is very mysterious. What I dreamed of when I was younger I no longer desire. Life takes you on crazy and amazing paths. I want to teach my son to be open to that. Open to the world. Whatever he wants to see or accomplish, he can. And no matter what he will always have our support. 

I've often felt like an outsider. Like my brain has a focus on creativity and helping others feel good. Helping others find the good in their loves despite whatever crazy hardship has been brought their way. 

I am focusing hard on letting go. And not only letting go but also letting myself live. I want to experience all those wonderful ideas I have in my brain. I want to succeed in whatever way that may be. I am going to allow myself to have fun and be happy. And for Pete's sake, let GO! 

Today I am another day closer to freedom. Today I am better. I am better than I was yesterday.