Thursday, July 17, 2014

Life Right Now

Let me preface this by saying that life has been insanely crazy. Life has been very stressful, lately. Life has been CRAZY BEAUTIFUL, lately. Watching my son grow and seriously pick up every single word I throw at him, asking questions, running, playing with toys, playing with kids, using the iPad better than me; everything has been so beautiful! Ever since hearing the news of little Ryan Cruz's death, I've been stressed about Johnny's every move, which I KNOW isn't good, but some days I just can't help myself. But, day by day I am learning to give him space (with a very watchful eye). There have been days lately where Johnny lets me rock him to sleep and he just stares at me while I sing him lullabies. There have been days where he cuddles me, a LOT! There are still days when he says, "mommy, carry you!" (meaning, carry HIM). I soak up these moments for all they are worth because he hasn't always been a very lovey, touchy, feely kind of kid. I think it may have taken some time for him to really LOVE me. And, while he's only 2 and a half, I think that's okay and normal. Because what I know is that boy really, REALLY loves me. And no words could ever suffice to explain the pure love and gratitude I have for my baby. Some day's I want to scream, some days I just want to SLEEP, some days I don't know how much more I can take from a tantrum; but learning how to be HIS mommy, and learning to understand HIS needs has been so worthwhile.

Parenting is excruciatingly difficult. I really don't think I would fully grasp the challenge had I not been granted the opportunity to stay home and raise my son. My goal as a parent is to learn how to be the best parent I can be. It is so easy to say yes and to just let kids do whatever they want. And it is so beyond challenging to say no and really stick to it. To learn to set rules and boundaries. To teach your child proper behavior and manners. To make sure he understands he can not have dessert without eating enough of his food. To make sure he understands that bed time is sacred and necessary. I want my son to be able to come to me if he has a problem, to be able to confide in me, to not be afraid of anything he may have done or do. I want him to make mistakes in life, I want him to fall down and pick himself back up, I want ALL of these things for him. Because these are the things that help you in life. These things propel you forward. These things are what life is about. I want to teach my son patience yet to understand a sense of urgency in regard to work and chores. Most of all, I want him to feel and understand my love.

Now, to my next point. I hate change, but I am wise enough to understand that it is necessary. We bought a new car recently and are moving at the end of the month. It is now two weeks since we got our new car and my son is finally accepting that it is OUR car and not "papa's" car. I think it's adorable and so freaking smart that he calls it "papas car." My father-in-law has a black Ford car and ours is a black Ford SUV, so for him putting two and two together in regards to the logo and the color, is nothing short of awesome. However, me being cursed with oversensitive feelings, it's made me sad when he wouldn't want to ride in the car or would call it "papas car." It made me feel like this whole change thing when we move is going to be very difficult for him. I already know it's going to be hard for all of us, but I know once we get settled that it will truly be the BEST thing for us. So, please keep us in your thoughts and prayers with our move and that he's okay with sleeping in a new house.

So, here's to a new journey in our lives!