Wednesday, January 28, 2015

How I Beat Panic Disorder

Therapy was great today. I realized I'm slowly learning to let down my walls I've built for long. Walls that don't allow people to see the real me. To see the flawed me. To see the deep loving me. Walls that have prevented me from created solid relationships. I'm finally allowing myself to be me! To not only show the good stuff. To not only allow myself to say what I think people want to hear. To allow myself to actually have worthwhile conversations. Meaningful discussions with real life people, who knew?!

We talked a lot about how I feel resentful about not having anyone to guide me in life. To teach me that life can be both hard and easy. To reach me how to overcome the hard stuff. I've had to learn for myself and although I'm learning NOW when I'm almost 30, I often wonder what life would have been with role models. How I'm learning to blossom from that timid 4 year old little girl who was conditioned to walk on egg shells, to not upset anyone. The little girl who didn't talk and was shy. I'm finally accepting that it's OKAY to be who I am. That I don't have to keep people out. And that I, too, can let my light shine. 

Leaving therapy, we talked candidly about how good of progress I've made. I'm certainly not tooting my own horn BUT the fact of the matter is that I did the hard stuff. Me! I did it. I was guided by two different doctors and the end result was a success because I put in the HARD work. Someone can give you a pencil, but they can not physically write FOR you. And I find this experience to be such a profound bundle of moments. When my Psychiatrist told me that Panic Disorder CAN be cured within 3-6 months I was filled to the brim with hope. PURE HOPE! But hope can not make the outcome successful; hope is what can DRIVE you, though. I knew I would make it out. I just knew it. The question was just WHEN.

 I remember saying "this is taking forever, I don't know how much longer I can take feeling like I'm going to die!" She just smiled at me and said "it's n
ot forever, you're almost there." And in that moment I really believed her. I knew that when I could sit in my house all by myself and accept that my feelings were PAINFUL but that my feelings were NOT real, I knew I was going to make it. Today, I'm able to stay home ALONE. Although some days are still harder than others, I've learned that that's just how life is. We must take the good with the bad. But not only "take it" we must embrace it all. That's how we learn to really LIVE. 

We are going into the month of February and if you had asked me in September what I thought about life, I would have cried ugly tears and told you that it was awful. I would tell you that I don't know how normal people function. I would tell you that I just CANT do this whole house thing. I would tell you that I am petrified of life. 

But here I am, telling you, that no matter how busy you are, no matter how broke you are, no matter how scared you are, and no matter how hopeless you are, SEEK HELP. Let people know you're not okay! Once you can EMBRACE help, I promise, that is when your life will start to shift. That is when you will learn WHO YOU ARE. That is when you will learn WHY you are the way you are. That is when self discovery and BIG break throughs will present themselves to you! 

In the end:
Healthy Diet
Applying breathing techniques learned in therapy
Putting myself first