I feel liberated. I feel like a real person. I feel like I'm living how I SHOULD be. Not only because I've lost weight; it's actually many things. But, I have lost the weight I've made excuses for. I've lost the emotional weight of meaningless relationships, the physical weight that I've made excuses for because I am a mom and my body changed, the mindless food indulgence when I am stressed or anxious. I have lost so many things and in the process gained some wonderful things as well.
The first 16 weeks were pretty much smooth sailing. Not COMPLETELY, but it was during these 16 weeks that my self control and my brain were tested. I went through a few personal trials, suffered an injury due to a fall, and attended quite a few family functions where normally I would drown myself in sweets and not just drown myself, but completely smother myself in an insane way. I didn't though. I found that inner strength and dedication to find my inner voice and listen to it, rather than stuff it away (or down my throat). If something bad happened, I would find myself searching the cabinets for minutes! It was almost an out of body experience. I could see myself and say, "Jessica, just stop!" But I would just keep searching and searching. So, I stepped away and took a few deep breaths. I let myself feel the pain or anxiety of whatever was going on in the moment and had a conversation with myself on how to figure out how to get passed it. I know I am not the only one who struggles with binging and I know a lot of people don't talk about it or want to talk about it. But, it's real. Food is everywhere! You need it to survive, so it's always there. Which makes it that much harder to overcome. But believe me, you have the strength to do this. And if you feel like you ever are in a bind so bad that you can't help yourself right now, I urge you to reach out to a professional. There are many WONDERFUL people out there who really do want to help you and will give you the tools to channel your energy elsewhere. And if you ever want to talk to me specifically about it, please do! Email me, Facebook me, Instagram me! I will offer you advice the best I can. I know what it feels like to be trapped. To want to be perfect. To feel helpless. But I can promise you, there is so much more to life than being your own prisoner.
These last 4 weeks have been the most challenging for me. Dealing with the loss of my aunt who was like a mother to my siblings and I for a few years was very challenging and extremely sad. Watching her on hospice and not being able to help herself really affirmed to all of us that we needed to rally around her and be there. My sister was a true angel and was with her almost everyday. I guess I didn't want to believe that my sweet auntie Gloria could really be nearing the end of her life. Until, she just wasn't getting better. The first day I walked into the house to go sit with her, she was lying there motionless with her eyes closed. We woke her to tell her I was there. She opened her eyes instantly, looked at me, and smiled. I will never forget that moment. I said there and held her hand for a few hours and really just couldn't grasp the whole thing. I guess I was in denial. Nonetheless, she died about a week after that with all of us surrounding her. I will always appreciate her for the things she did for my family and myself. After that, we went on our annual family vacation which was nice for all of us to spend time together and just get away. I didn't track a thing or workout the whole time (my choice) and it felt nice. When we got home we were still slightly in vacation mode and well, having to celebrate Easter the following day with an Italian family didn't help my self control, ha ha! But it was wonderful! Easter was fantastic and just such a blessing. My knee was still hurting me so bad from my fall two weeks prior so my workouts will still lagging, but I was pushing myself to get back into the swing of things. It's been about 2 weeks since we've been back and I'm finally finding my groove again. Right now I am dealing with some legal issues (I will blog about this more once everything is settled) and some small health issues so I am ready to push ahead and bring in some better numbers for my week 22 check in! I'm still in my fat loss stage and I am aiming to lean up a bit more before Vegas (June!). The wonderful thing that came out of these trying 4 weeks was that I didn't gain anything! My body is finally starting to love itself back!
So, ladies and gents, when you are trying to lose fat, PLEASE do not starve yourself. You are meant to eat. You are just not meant to eat a pound of pasta everyday by yourself. If you need help or are interested in learning more about how to get your life on track without starving, binging, or feeling completely lost, please email me: jessica.fox13@gmail.com
Lastly, what I know is my body is not perfect. I know I can be leaner. I know I could be 15 pounds lighter (maybe!). I know this. But the thing is, right now I am happy. I have fought tooth and nail to be healthy and most of all happy and comfortable just the way I am. This is the first time in my whole life where I can look in the mirror and not criticize myself. It's the first time in my life that I am not ashamed to eat in front of people. And most importantly, the first time in my life that I am not ashamed to share my story with the world! Because if I could help just one of you, that means more to me than anything.
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