Tuesday, August 20, 2013

The Eye of the Tiger

With my son getting older (sigh), my life as a stay at home mother and wife, my husbands new job (more responsibility and more hours), I've been left scrambling these past few months. I have always been kind of a fly by the seat of your pants type of gal, and life has been pretty much that way lately. But there has also been a lot of different things that have been going on. I find myself over thinking situations as simple as grabbing a cup of coffee from Starbucks. For instance, pulling into the lot to get the coffee and then pulling right back out. So strange. Growing up I went through a lot of self doubt. One day I would know exactly what I wanted to do, the next day I would want to be 500 different things, and then other days I just didn't want to do a damn thing. Often times I look at that as being unstable and I never ever want to go back to that place again. When I think about those times in my life, I find that I was involved in so much instability. Family life was completely unstable. People who should have been solid for me, weren't. Certainly I can't blame a person or people for being unstable. Now, anyways. Back then I would place blame and hold grudges and be filled with hate toward others. Being very critical and over analytical towards people and situations in my life created a huge wall. I was let down by many people over and over again, and truthfully I didn't know if I could handle another devastation. My only constant was my love and talent to play sports, specifically volleyball. Truthfully, I have been thinking a lot about the game. When I say volleyball, I mean volleyball at the competitive level. Volleyball was real. Volleyball was my saving grace in life. The endless hours of practicing against my childhood home by myself wasn't just practice. Looking back, those hours certainly made me an exceptional athlete, but those hours I dedicated to practice were my freedom. My happiness. My safe place. Those hours were the hours where I could really be a kid. And I loved every single second of that happiness. Being on a traveling team, being a teammate, being the captain, being away from all of life's problems, being methodical, being challenged, being physical, being praised; that's what I remember to be the happiest times of my life. Games upon games, matches upon matches, traveling state to state; that was my saving grace.

Looking back on my athletic career I could have been better. WAY better. Even though I was really damn good, I could have been one of the best. And I know that I could have. Why didn't I? Truthfully I believe it's because I didn't have the resources. My coaches were good but they weren't GREAT. They didn't know or stress the importance of nutrition. I didn't grow up with good nutrition. In fact, my nutrition growing up would disgust you. I never learned about proper nutrition. I didn't know the importance of protein in the diet. And no one around me really cared enough to help me REALLY succeed. You know, I succeeded pretty well on my OWN. Really, on my own. But, I didn't have any driving positive forces around me to take me to that next level. Also, weight training. Of course, we weight trained during camps and the regular season; but there was a lot to this equation that was missing. We weren't challenged to hit PR's, we weren't challenged to lift HEAVY, there was no real progression that was in place. We didn't have strength coaches. I didn't even know at the time how important and fundamental weight training was. So, looking back of course I can't blame myself for not making it to the Olympics, that never was really a dream of mine. I wanted to be great. And I was. But I could have been more.

Going back to instability. I am writing this particular blog to help me articulate my thoughts. I am often times flooded with information because my brain works in a weird way, but I just need to write it down. I need to be clear. I need to be clear and real so I can move on to these next challenges in my life. I want to be a better version of myself. Lately I have been structured. I LOVE that. I love that I have been able to stay structured with my exercise plan since May 1st, despite going through some issues with my son and not being able to take him to the day care, having to take him to the doctors, etc. But I need more clarity. I need to push it to the next level because I want to. I have been doing more and more research on how to maintain a healthy life balance while going after my physique goals. Working out for me, is a hobby. Working out is my volleyball. Working out is my ME time. There are days that I don't want to do it, but I go. I don 't make it a big fuss if I need to take a day off because I don't want to be that UNstable person I talked about earlier. I don't want to eat tilapia and asparagus all day long. While I love both, neither of them will ever have a place in my lifestyle twice a day, EVERYDAY. No. Not gonna happen. I love to eat healthy, make new recipes, and get creative! I don't know everything and I love that LIFE is my teacher. So, I'm going to continue my lifestyle and seek out the best methods and work on really challenging my mind and body.

Lastly. Something I have been somewhat torturing myself with lately is that I'm not doing things right. Or I'm spending too much time researching. Well, what I'm learning is that it's okay to do what I LOVE to do. I love to research, I love to be inspired, I love to read UPLIFTING things, I love to LEARN. So, I'm not going to feel bad for that anymore. I love fitness, and I'm not going to apologize. AND, just because I LOVE fitness, doesn't mean I have to look like a perfect cover model. It's a hobby of mine. Just like collecting cards. Is the person collecting the cards a pro baseball or football player? Maybe. Probably not. It's something they like to do. SO why should I ever be scorned for something I love to do. I shouldn't. And I wont. Too often we are very hard on ourselves for being happy, and that shouldn't be the case. I am taking a stand! You should too!

To tie everything in together, and I know I may be being a bit vague here, but there will be more to come; I do not want to be unstable. Unpredictable is good for me. I like to take Johnny to a new place or just get in the car and drive with my husband. Life is meant to be lived. And if I wanna LIVE by just chilling out on my couch or writing, or if I wanna go out dancing, I am going to do what makes me happy. I lived under other peoples messes, unhappiness, and instability for too many years of my life. Within the past 7-8 years, I have been undergoing the process of finding happiness and balance; while ridding those from my life who have held me down from accomplishing great things. And remember this, I will accomplish great things.

"I am a champion, and you're gonna hear me roar."-Katy Perry