Never Give Up

                                                 

As I'm in the process of recovering from a life full of not so wonderful things, some terrible things, actually; I realize the more I dig and dig and the more I start to understand WHY some things happened to me, WHY I chose some of the paths I chose, and WHY it's okay if I never understand WHY some events that happened to me are out of my control and merely something I need to move on from. I remember failing Algebra my freshman year  of high school. I failed. Like, a big fat F. And I accepted that because I was too embarrassed to ask for help, or didn't know how, or I felt like because I didn't "get it" that I didn't deserve help. So, I failed, and I was SO embarrassed. And I had to go to summer school. I don't go to summer school! Why am I here!? I also remember many, MANY times where I couldn't turn in an assignment on time or I simply forgot and instead of talking to my teachers, I would simply not say anything and accept that I got a ZERO for not handing it in, silly because I was too embarrassed to talk about WHY I didn't hand in the assignment.

Do you see a common theme here? Lack of communication, too much shame, too much pride, and accepting of failure. This seems a lot like my life from as long as I can remember up until a couple of years ago. Of course a lot of these things are learned behaviors, right? So, of course I can not be too hard on myself, because the truth is, I didn't know ANY other way. It was only until I chose to educate myself and learn how to become a better person that I was able to break this cycle in my adulthood. Ridding toxic people, no matter WHO they are, is also a HUGE determinant of your own happiness. I know it's not easy, but it's SO necessary for YOU.

Creating a safety net of people who are going to be there to help you when you're down, be there for you when you need them, bring happiness and love into your life, and be genuinely concerned for you is really important. This could be family, friends, church peeps, neighbors, teachers, coaches, WHOEVER; but it's important to build these nets. You need to be able to confide in someone else besides your own brain. People who understand. People who believe in the sanctity of trust. I promise you there are GOOD people out there who genuinely care about you. But we must first find the courage to seek out how to be better humans and realize that we do deserve wonderful things! We deserve to get A's and make new friends and be happy and to laugh! We deserve to have the freedom to cry if we need to, to express how we really feel. We deserve to let the world know how we have been hurt. We deserve everything GOOD. And there is still GOOD in this world. We just can't give up, no matter what. We must never give up.

Gratitude and Peace

I am not the most important person in this world. I am a small part who by doing good and being open and honest, can potentially change the world. And this will be my message to my child(ren). The more time that passes and the more experience I gain with life, it becomes more evident that life is truly what you make it. You can make it positive or you can made it negative. Certainly situations arise in life that can feel horrific, overwhelming, hard, depressing, awful, and unbearable; but what matters more is our reactions to these situations. People can choose to be mean, abusive, and toxic toward us; does that mean we have to take that and settle with that? Absolutely not. Sure, it makes things much harder when you are hurt by someone, even more-so when that someone is someone who you thought loves you. Maybe that person does in fact love you, but maybe that person is so deeply affected in a negative way that they can't help their actions and reactions. Of course that is NO excuse to be a hurtful human being. 

What I am suggesting is that maybe our reactions to these actions are what cause us most pain and suffering, not so much the action. Every day I am trying to be better than I was the day before. Every day I aim to see that everyone has a story. And that person who cut me off in traffic may be rushing to get to a family emergency, or the person who gives me a dirty look could possibly be going through something horrible in their life. 

My point is, it's not about me. It's not about us. Everything is NOT about us. The more I realize this, the more compassion and peace I acquire. My focus is to raise myself up, in turn raising those around me up. I don't want my son thinking he has to be cold just because it can be a cold world. I want him to live with his chest and heart open up to the sky. I want him to live a life of love. A life where he has the power to inspire others just by being a peaceful person. I'm not saying I want him to be a wimp or to back down, I want him to stand up for himself in a strong way, to be a leader for those who feel burdened, who feel afraid. A life of courage and peace is my only wish.